Early decisions affect marriage a decade later


While in a self-described “power couple,” a woman tells her story of her 10-year marriage. Reflecting back on her divorce she realizes some of the choices she made early on affected her relationship years down the road.




Announcer: Divorce is the end of a relationship, but it can also be the start of a lot of good. You might become a better parent, a better businessman, a better person. What’s your story?

Woman: I met my ex-husband at work. When I met him, we started dating. He told me right away he that didn’t want to live where we live and I was in love with him, so I went ahead and moved out of state with him even though that was never in my plan to move out of state. We got married before we moved away and moved out of
state to Texas, and pretty much was out there for my whole marriage which was almost 10 years.

Things started to fall apart maybe about halfway through at about the five-year point. Within our relationship we experienced a lot of people passing away. His parents passed away, and it seemed rather quick. It started to show how we as a couple are handling things like that in our marriage. It seemed like we really weren’t handling things together. He was kind of handling things his way. I was handling things my way. That’s pretty much where it started to happen where it seemed like we were running into problems.

When I met him, I fell for him. I was in love with him definitely. We were very similar. I definitely had that feeling of being taken care of. He was always wanting to handle things. I never had that concern of having to worry about myself when I was with him, which I really liked. It was really hard to…That was the thing about him that I had a hard time letting go of. It took me a while to be comfortable with not having that anymore.

He understood our situation, and if our situation started to go south, which at one point it did, he took it upon himself to something about it. That wasn’t something that we had to fight about or even discuss. It was just something he automatically did which was really a great thing.

I really thought for a long time, actually, that we were…Oh my gosh, I can’t believe I’m admitting this, that we were our own little power couple. Because together I just felt really good and confident with him. I felt powerful, for lack of a better word.

I guess it would be around the five year mark that I started to see things kind of happen between us. It wasn’t anything really obvious. It was like subtle things like how we would cope with problems. Some things we didn’t seem to be together on anymore. It started to be more separate.

So even though I felt like things were starting to drift between us where we were starting to drift apart from each other…When I got married, I had no intentions of marrying again, so I stuck it out. I thought that we were just going through a bad period and that things would get better. They talk about the first year of marriage, the seven-year itch, or whatever, and so I was committed. I was planning on that we were just going to ride this out and things would get back to normal.

I think at one point we even tried counseling, and it did sort of help things for a little while. But then it seemed like after a while, it really didn’t fix anything and we were still having issues and fighting more often.

Announcer: [inaudible 00:03:43]

Woman: Yeah, at this point where I’m at in my life and how long it’s been since I’ve divorced, I can reflect back. I definitely don’t see this as something that was all his fault or all my fault. I can see where I could’ve handled things better, or he could’ve handled things better.

I think if anything, I wish I just would’ve really kept fighting. I consider myself a fighter, and I wanted to keep fighting at it. But I guess it’s not always easy if you have a mate who doesn’t have that fight in them anymore which is kind of what it seemed like it got to with him.

But as far as anything that I would maybe regret, I don’t think I would forward and do something that I had no intentions of doing like when I mentioned that when I met my ex-husband and he had told me right away that he had intended to move out of state. I don’t know if I would have done that again. I know I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t go into a relationship and do something that I have no intentions in my own life to do.

That’s probably one thing that I would do different, even though the experience has all been good as far moving out of state and coming back. I mean, it’s been a good experience, but I don’t know if I would do that again.

I loved being married. I really did. I like the partnership. I like the security. I intend to be married again. I’m not in a hurry to get married again, but I would eventually like to be one day.

I think of divorce like death, as in when you experience losing someone through death. I think of divorce like that. I think it’s a process that you have to go through in order to get better. You know, you’re losing part of yourself. It’s like a part of you has died, and you have to move on. That’s a process in itself from when the part when you die from the actual divorce to the part where you get to be yourself again. It’s a process.

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