A woman, married for 11 years, bravely chooses a divorce to end years of physical abuse and cheating. Not knowing the steps involved created a huge challenge but it was the loss of the “marriage” that hurt the most, combined with having to console children of divorce. Listen to hear her story in her own words.
August 19, 2013
Host: Divorce is the end of a relationship. But it can also be the start of a lot of good. You might become a better parent, a better businessman, a better person. What’s your story?
Speaker: I married [at 19]. We were married for 11 years. We had two kids. We had one of each, John and Tracey. My oldest, John, is 13 and my youngest, Tracey, is 11. We divorced in 2010. There was some cheating going on, along with some abuse. I’d asked him the year prior, I was kind of forced to stay there. We lived in a different town from the Rockford area, because of that situation. I couldn’t get back to Rockford the way I wanted to, because of my Mom being sick, my Dad being sick. I had no family. I didn’t know any steps of how to get a divorce. I didn’t know how to proceed. I couldn’t get away. I had no money coming in. I wasn’t working.
The physical had happened just in the past year, the last year we were married. The mental had been going on for quite some time, and he was starting to do it towards the kids. I had caught him cheating on me with one girl, and he kept doing it and kept lying to me. And that’s when the physical abuse started happening. It was a combination of just a bunch of things. I moved away from him and moved into my parents’ house. There was a clear-cut decision. I was done. And he was gone, and I said, “I’m done.” He had locked the house. I just couldn’t do it anymore. And I had a feeling something was up. He packed up and moved up here with me. Within a month, we had separated. Come to find out he had another woman up here that he was messing around with, so that was two. We moved up here around the end of November and by 1st February I filed. The divorce was basically really easy. Once the divorce was done, that’s when the turmoil set in. We both just said, “We were done. We wanted out.” So, then it was just a matter of going to the parenting class and signing our names on the divorce decree. There was lots of arguments, there was lots of emotions.
I can’t say I loved him anymore, but the loss of the marriage, the thought of the marriage I guess, is why it hurts. So, that whole aspect of it, and thinking of that is what really took me down. My children, to this day, are having a hard time with it. They wish Mom and Dad could get back together. It’s hard. I just explained to them that Mom and Dad won’t ever get back together, at least not their Mom and Dad. There’s other Mom and Dads that do. Their Mom and Dad just were very hostile towards one another. We can’t stand the sight of one another. My daughter, Tracey, seen the last fight that got physical between her Dad and I, and he calls her a liar on that aspect. I can’t have that kind of thing go on. And it hurts for my kids to be a part of something like that. My kids are… they were too young when we got divorced, to understand for us to get back together, if that makes any sense.
I had to put in the therapy, that kind of thing, because it was more over the kids. We have been more in the court room in more or less three years, over heavy stuff. Then we spent in the court room, during the divorce. The only way him and I speak is through a website called “Our Family Wizard.” That’s the only way him and I speak. It’s very helpful, because before, he would send a text every five minutes until I answered or an email every five minutes until I answered. And now he can only send me one email within 24 hours, and I have to acknowledge that email within 24 hours, or I’m in contempt of court. And the same goes for him. Unless it’s an emergency, then we’re allowed to text. But to me, that’s the best thing that could have been court-ordered between him and I. It helps tremendously. I’ve become a better parent. I’m remarried, and I believe that I’m a better spouse, overall, a better person to society than I was before. In my first marriage, I was real careless. I didn’t really care too much about doing anything.
My whole focus was on my kids. I didn’t care to do anything with my ex-husband. I mean, we did things, but it wasn’t as mine and him, a long time. Now, in my second marriage, we have a total of four kids between him and I, plus my nephew lives with us. We take the time, and we make sure that we spend the quality time like we should. We build our marriage up. We don’t let things fester up too much and that type of thing. I mean, if there’s a money issue, instead of letting it build up to the point where…you know, a lot of couples split up over money. We’ll sit down and we’ll work it out before it gets to that point. There’s been a couple of times he’s blown up at me, and I’ll pull him aside and I’m like, “Whoa, wait a minute.” So, we try our hardest to work it out.
And we don’t fight in front of the kids. You know, something petty and he goes to work because he works later in the afternoon, that kind of thing. Doing what I’ve done so far, asking the courts to use Our Family Wizard, I had tried to be civil with him. I don’t really want to go into the aspect of it all, so. Everything is going so positive for me. Just life in general, I mean, I wake up every morning and I’m just thankful to God that I have my kids, I have a wonderful husband. My parents are still around. I’m here with them. Things are just 100 percent different than what they were before. I can’t complain at all.
Host: Thanks for listening to Divorce Redemption, where real people tell real stories. Tune in next week.